I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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