"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
