So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
