All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
