The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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