i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
