I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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