Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
