I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize