I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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