I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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