how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
