i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
