I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
