It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
