Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize