I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
