Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
