Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
