I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
