Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
