Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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