thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
