I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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