Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up backwards on a recliner
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
