I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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