No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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