WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I deserve this hangover.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
