And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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