I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
