my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize