Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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