Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
