a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
