btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
