Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
