the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
