i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
