Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
