We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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