just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
