she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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