drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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