im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He better not be in your backpack
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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