i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
