Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
