This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
