Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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