walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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