Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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