The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
