Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think my moral compass just broke
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