I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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