We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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