Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
