we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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