i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
