i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
